Journeying Through Darkness

Hello all. I write to you from Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris, where I am currently waiting on my delayed flight back to Liverpool. What better way is there to spend the duration of your delay than to blog, am I right?

This weekend I had the privilege of coming to Paris for the American Cathedral in Paris’ centennial celebration. There were many wonderful people in attendance, including; the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church Michael Curry, Archbishop of York Stephen Cottrell, Joris (YASCer), Madeline (YASCer), and others from the Convocation of Episcopal Churches in Europe that I was fortunate enough to meet. The entirety of our Saturday was spent in an incredible venue, hearing some speakers and having a revival. Yes, you read that correctly. The Episcopal Church held a revival and even quoted some Bible verses. Verrrrrry impressive haha. Also, to brag a little (I would say “not to brag” but that would just be silly and untrue. A little bragging is good), I answered a biblical question correctly in a room full of ordained individuals. (Insert hair toss here). The question Archbishop Cottrell posed is, “What are the first words Jesus speaks after the resurrection?”  (You’ll have to read until the end to learn the answer.) In the rest of his talk, Archbishop Cottrell discussed lent and evangelism.

There were many quotable moments in this talk, and I paraphrase a little here, but I believe the one most relevant to my point in this blog post is, “many important things in the Gospels happen in the night.” Now, I am not a biblical scholar. I know, a shock to us all, but in thinking about different stories, ESPECIALLY in our Lenten narratives, I think that statement is correct. The last supper happens in the night. Judas betrays Jesus during the night. Jesus is arrested at night. It is right before dawn, and still dark, when Peter denies Jesus. Jesus takes his last breath, and there is a darkness over all the land. Jesus’ first words were spoken in the very early hours of the morning, when it is still dark. 

So maybe it’s these moments of darkness where we are supposed to pay closer attention because we are looking for the light. We are looking to Jesus to show us how to shine our lights in these moments. Lent is a time of reflecting, and I think it is important to reflect on all the darkness we see, experience, and hear about. It’s not an easy task, and there is a whole lot to reflect on. 

Something that has helped my reflection this lent is attending Evensong/evening prayer multiple times a week. Recently, we have had readings from the book of Exodus, and the story of Moses and the Israelites has always been a favorite of mine. Ask any member of my family, and you will hear them grumble about how often I watched The Prince of Egypt when I was younger. 

In February of 2020, a stage production of Prince of Egypt opened on the West End in London. I managed to go to London in March of 2020 and see it. The show is magical. The music is perfection. I felt a deeper connection to my spirituality because the music reached me in a way that simply reading the words did not. I have since realized that that is why music is vital to my worship and faith, because music unifies so many things and makes me feel, and I am able to better express myself.

Right after my trip to London, Covid hit and I had to come home from studying abroad. Talk about a time of darkness and anxiety and despair! But I found my connection with the music and the story of The Prince of Egypt helped me through that darkness, and continues to help me through the darkness I experience in my current, everyday life.

Since we have been reading a part of the story at Evensong/evening prayer every day, I have followed it up by listening to the soundtrack every evening. And this weekend, listening to Archbishop Cottrell, I made a connection. 

One of the important points of Moses and the Israelites’ story is recognizing the darkness that everyone in the story experiences. Reading and hearing this retelling shows how we can journey through darkness, but the darkness is not the destination. With help, we can emerge from the darkness. Without Moses’ time of darkness in the desert, he wouldn’t have been able to find light in himself, and bring light to the enslaved Israelites. We must pay attention and ponder the darkness, ask questions and learn from it. BUT, it’s important to remember to not stop in the darkness, to not let it be permanent, and that we can bring light to our own and others’ darkness. This is definitely easier said than done, because obviously the darkness can feel never ending and very permanent. This is in our personal darkness, and also the darkness that is outside ourselves. And I do not say all of this to minimize peoples’ struggles with both their own darkness, as well as the darkness in the world. Not everything is an easy fix, and often, it takes a long time to find our way through. Everyone's journey is unique, and finding or preserving light can be difficult. And, even though we often do not want to, we have to rely on others in these times.

As someone who has diagnosed mental health issues, the darkness is sometimes so overwhelming. When I find myself in tougher times in my mental health, I often question everything. It is easy to ask, “where is God in this darkness, in this terrible time?” I find myself singing lyrics from one of the songs in The Prince of Egypt: 

“Where is the Lord? Where is the Lord in this land of deserts? And amidst this land of drought and deep darkness? Where is the Lord here in this wilderness? This land no one has crossed, and where no one trails?

It is so easy to feel alone in our darkness. And how can we help dispel darkness in the world when we feel so dark inside ourselves? I believe the first steps are to be kind to and patient with yourself. Find little ways to bring light to your life, then you can help do the same for others. But it’s important to remember that it is a journey. And you are not alone on this journey. You have the people in your life that love you, and you have God. Both are there whether you are able to acknowledge them or not. 

In this journey that is life, we are called to bring light into the darkness we are living in. I believe this is a core part of Christianity. There are many ways to do this, and you must find the way that is healthy and right for you to do so. As we move into Holy Week, and we experience the darkness and despair of the crucifixion, look for the moments of light and hope in the story. Look towards the resurrection, and reflect on how you can better bring light to whatever darkness you are experiencing, and the darkness that is out in the world.

* And for those of you who made it this far, the first words Jesus spoke after the resurrection were to Mary, and they were, "Woman, why are you weeping?"